Kindred Spirits

I´m writing in english today.

Today i basically died in savasana.  Had a horrible night,  full of nightmares and worries.  Barely slept. But still i went to the shala and having my friends around,  did it all one more time.   All of us breathing together and going through every pose made me feel  not so alone.

There is a certain type of spirit that enjoys this intense practice.  It kneads us,  makes us pliable inside and outside.  Breaks our ambition,  our goals and expectations.  Is like being bare naked in front of a room full of people.  Bone to bone with uncertainty.  Breath to breath with pain.

Maybe those of us who do this had some intense karma to burn through.  That was our conclusion today.  I had a breakdown after my savasana.  Tears wouldn´t stop.  Heavy stuff i´ve been carrying inside for months coming out of my system.  Feeling so fragile and tender.  It helps to know many of us are going through this barriers and that we can support each other in our transformation.  It seems so tough sometimes.

My God.  So tough.

I used to think i could do it,  used to think i was strong enough.  So many labels and explanations in my mind to try to make it a little easier.  Today i realized it is just a matter of acceptance and gratitude for my wounds.  Deep wounds that bleed  in the right places.   I wouldn´t have the courage to open them by myself.  Don´t even know where they are.   But prana knows.  It can access the unworthiness,  the solitude and  the grief trapped in  my tissues,  cradled in my bones for years and years.  I know i come here to heal and restore.  With no hidden agendas but the unspoken realization of basic goodness beyond my mind.

A dear teacher once said to me:  You don´t need to justify to anybody what makes you grow.

The clock is ticking and i am getting ready for bed.   Things are moving inside and i feel uncertain and small like a little baby taking her first steps.  Steps toward reality,  truth and Love.  Steps that feel like climbing the Everest without any oxygen.

My kindred spirits will be there tomorrow,  i know that for sure.  Maybe they are going through something similar.  Maybe their lives are falling to pieces with each drop of sweat and tears as mine is.   Maybe they also have a faith  that this is something special.  Few places in the world i know where i can let my guard down.

With a profound intention to stay this open...
always.

Simple and unprotected.  Alive and hurting.  Alone and real.  For this practice is cleansing my soul and making my feet light for the flight.  And when that time comes i will be ready.

I swear to you,  i will be ready.

Thank you B.