miércoles, 14 de agosto de 2013

Siete ángeles en mi vida


MARIELA C’s STORY

I started practicing yoga at a rare young age. My mother was one of those beings who was always searching. Back then, to practice yoga in Costa Rica, a traditional catholic country, was considered a mortal sin. Anyways, she found a way to take me with her to class when I was about 10 years old. My only memory is watching these beautiful tall, white bright beings moving in the shala’s corridors - angels I guess- and since then, I could feel the blessings of yoga.


My first visit to Mysore was 12 years ago. Ashtanga Yoga in Mysore is hard to describe: I can only say that the energy around Guruji and Sharath made me return six more times and always crave for India while I was home. Practicing on my own (since I had no teachers in San Jose where I live) was a small price to pay, compared to the promise of returning every year to see my beloved Guru.

Life started changing very fast. We built the studio and people started coming. Life shifted and I happily gave up my law practice. I was very successful as a lawyer, but absolutely miserable in a career that was not for me. I started teaching full time. When the news came that I was pregnant with my fifth child, there was a mixture of profound joy and overwhelming worry and what about my practice?

One thing is to theorize about how beautiful having a baby is, especially if you are in love and with the right partner by your side. But then there is the reality of what your body will go through! The first three months were pure hell! Besides that, I decided to go back to India and finish the process of getting authorized by Guruji and Sharath: it was not a very good idea! But my desire to be close to my teachers and finish this first stage was too strong to let go.

I arrived in Mysore last August on my own, being 12 weeks pregnant and after 26 hours of non-stop flights and delays. Pregnancy is such a delicate time. You are as open and vulnerable as ever and flying across the world from Costa Rica through Germany to finally arrive to Bangalore and then Mysore was the biggest challenge I have faced. Constant nausea, vomiting and loneliness made this the hardest trip. Arriving by myself, longing for my husband and children was also very hard.

A dear friend rented me his place. It was a very cosy little apartment with all the facilities. Mr. and Mrs. Chinnappa, the landlords, were always so kind and respectful. So I felt cared for in the middle of everything. I would stay awake all night, still very jet-lagged, thinking of my loved ones and crying and directly go to the shala at 6 am for practice.

I was assigned to practice with Saraswathi. A part inside of me craved for the 5 am practice with Sharath as always, for my teacher friends and the whole gang.
Practicing with all the beginners requested a big dose of humility. But Saraswathi’s gentle approach and daily concern made everything easier for me, even though during practice I had to leave and go vomit every ten minutes. My body was refusing to adapt to so many changes at the same time: baby, food, time zone and broken heart.

Being used to having my body do whatever I asked of it, this felt very confusing. I felt as if I was possessed and couldn’t get it to obey my mind. This started upsetting me deeply, to a point where I started regretting what was actually happening and many doubts started clouding my mind. Yoga teaches us the art of acceptance. It’s easy to accept things when they happen your way; but how about when they completely go upside down? From a three-hour daily practice, I had to cut short to half Primary Series with a lot of modifications. It was very interesting how Saraswathi immediately removed all the twists (Marichyasana C and D). My practice used to give me lots of energy for all the challenges of motherhood and full time yoga teacher but now I was feeling depleted and profoundly depressed.

My husband made it to India for his first time probably intuiting I needed support. The trip ended with my authorization being granted and us returning to Costa Rica. Though things were not easier once we got home.
Normally the nausea and vomiting stop after the third month however, this was not the case with me. I came back and things got worse. I could barely stand up from my bed. Everything was foggy and couldn’t get the grip of the practice again. Teaching was very hard, but I kept going. My body felt terrible and I wasn’t able to apply the only medicine I know for body and heart aches: practice. What to do?

I realize this pregnancy has taught me what my regular practice would have never taught me. Suddenly, everything I loved the most was taken away from me. When I say  loved and love my practice above everything else it is because I appreciate so much the perspective it has brought to my human experience.
Giving up such love is no easy task. I had to start from scratch, doing one Surya Namaskar and then collapsing into Child pose for 20 minutes while the room kept turning and turning.

I realize my profound love for practice was definitely a very heavy attachment. My body was used to the chemicals produced by it and I had to go through heavy detox with all its consequences: mood swings, sadness, intolerance almost to the verge of depression.

Then slowly, things started shifting. My only option was to surrender. And from that surrender to this tiny teacher inside of me came a second wind. My practice completely changed, even more as I started growing bigger. But as I faced my mat everyday, scared to find I was not able to perform anymore, I started getting real. I found new joy and gratitude in the blessing of knowing there was a life growing inside of me and that somehow he was helping me understand new things. My only sadhana was to become a clean channel for this soul and stop interfering and asking something for myself. Instead, to just be there for whatever he needed from me, beyond my likes and dislikes. Yoga gives us so much power and there are many ways to use that power. We can use it for our own benefit or we can use it to give and help each other. Even though I always thought that my job as a yoga teacher and my mission as a mother was fulfilling all this, I know there was a part inside that still wanted something for myself.
  
Five of my seven children were born without any intervention.  My yoga practice helped me stay present through labour and breath help with the waves.  Yoga is awareness of the present moment and birth is such a powerful experience for any mother and child.

In the moment of birth,  there is an energetic explosion as the baby is born and merges with the mother in many subtle ways.  It is so important for the mother to be fully awake and present for her child.  In these days,  many women are scared to go through it all and program a c-section without given themselves the opportunity to grow.  Yoga practice helps us tap into our strength and also surrender to the process with faith and optimism.

My first five births were very beautiful, intensely beautiful.  These five babies were born without anaesthesia nor pitocin.  The feeling of aliveness and empowerment for the mother is difficult to describe.  I can only say that if you are an ashtangi you know about the meaning of intensity. You will also know how a strong mind is capable of enduring and finding bliss even in the most intense pain.

All of my babies were born in the hospital.  I didn´t feel safe to have them at home and admire a lot those moms who do it.  I could relax and surrender knowing there was help available in case of an emergency. But I do think this is a very personal decision and each mother should meditate and make the decision that feels better deep inside their hearts.

Gael, my fifth was born in a pool.  Surrounded by water and his parents,  he came into this world with such softness and beauty.  I was calling him loudly as the waves intensified and my doula and husband were there with me throughout the experience.

Theo,  my sixth was a very difficult experience for me.  I felt very confident and even invited my daughter and sister in law to "witness"  the power of a natural birth.  Things changed as they usually do and he was stuck and wouldn’t come out. Both of us almost died in birth.  Thanks to my doctor he was born with forceps.  It was very hard to see my expectations shattered and my body destroyed.  The emergency of the forceps hurt my left performis and I was in deep pain and postpartum depression for about six months.  As I look back,  I realize how important this birth was to learn letting go and surrender.  He is a bright star that shines powerfully in our home.

Matias, our last baby came to us in a very unexpected way, five months after Theo was born.   Ashtanga Yoga can make you very fertile so be careful! After the initial resistance and surprise, plus a c-section because of my injured hip he has been teaching us the power of fearlessness and inspires us to trust every bit of the way.  Matías helped me to understand the meaning of acceptance and santosha through his pregnancy and birth.

All my children are gifts from God and thanks to my yoga practice my body is completely healed now. Even though I´m turning 46 next Saturday I feel way better than when I was in my 20`s and 30´s. More energy and no pain.

Every time I practice when I am back home - sometimes at 4 am in the morning -  I pray that I can give more and serve more.  When my mind is clear and my body feels good  I definitely have more clarity about how to raise my kids so they can feel my love. My own practice gives me energy to teach my students with inspiration as well as to share my heart with my husband and friends in a deeper way.

I’m just so grateful for having this gift of Yoga in my life.  
So grateful for my teachers who keep this light of Ashtanga Yoga bright and shining.

Mysore, January 16th,  2013.

No hay comentarios:

Publicar un comentario

Nota: solo los miembros de este blog pueden publicar comentarios.