Unworthiness

I came back from Denmark with my heart full.  Sharing time with people who are traveling similar experiences in their practice and life is deeply healing for me.  In Costa Rica I am pretty isolated from all the "action" in the Ashtanga world.  I don´t have a teacher to work with everyday.  My friends and colleages come sometimes and I miss them a lot when they are gone. 

Still I´m very grateful because it´s been said we all have the obstacles we need to grow in our sadhana.

One afternoon sharing with other teachers some of us started talking about the theme of friendships with students.  We all have our boundaries that come from experiences where those boundaries were broken,  from one side or the other.  It´s a pretty touchy subject since we all share a very powerful practice that opens our being in many ways.  We are all witness of each other´s darkness and light,  it doesn´t matter who is the teacher and who is the student.  We are all in the same boat and great respect is needed to keep the boat sailing to safe port.

I encourage Swadyaya to my students.  I tell them to write me and share their feelings and transformation in a very confidential manner.  A few of them do it. It´s hard sometimes in practice when we start reaching core pains in our beings,  things we manifest to the world with such clarity but remain hidden to our egos in a desperate attempt to "hide" it.  It´s obvious to everyone.  It´s so obvious to me as soon as someone  writes me or puts a foot in my shala.   Gets more and more clear as they practice and start opening the Pandora box.

Some students take a leap of faith and share the most intimate stuff with me.  I feel very touched because I´ve realized through the years we all share the same issues and pains.  Only the experiences shift: loss, abandonment,  betrayal,  violence of many forms,  unworthiness.  This last one is one that I´ve personally faced in my own journey and it´s a big one. 

So I smell it when I see it.  It´s tentacles are wide and strong.

One of the problems with this particular issue is that we tend to project it to others.  If we open up and that someone is not there for us "in the way that we think they should be" we throw a big fit.  This fit only solidifies the issue and instead of liberating us,  we become even  more bound since the external experience confirmed "once more"  we are not worth of any love,  attention,  and care...feelings we know very well since we were very little.

I´m facing a personal situation right now where this unworthiness in me comes up everyday.  My significant other is going through tough times in his personal life and that means he is not offering his love to me in the way "I think" he should.  I´ve thrown plenty of fits already and learned that this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.  I can choose to blame him and tell him what a lousy partner he is-  not considering his personal situation and in a very selfish matter.  Or I can go deep inside myself- like I´ve been trying to do lately,  and rediscover where and when I felt that same feeling of not being cared for in the way that I think I should.

He is caring in his own way and I´m learning to discover that.  It may not be the way that I "expect", but it is his way and it´s very beautiful also.

This trigger has made me discover so many things inside of me that were still floating and I´m starting to understand how amazing relationships can be to bring up stuff from the past.  It´s my personal responsibility with my spiritual growth to own my issues and stop projecting them into others.  The other is only the instrument God offers so we can know ourselves a little better.  We can kill the messenger,  but that will only leaves us with our unresolved pains.  Or we can thank them for showing us where we are aching and bow to them in deep respect for the opportunity.

It takes maturity and an intense desire to wake up from our ego monologue to take that step towards owning our pain.  Not everyone is ready.  I feel I´m just in diapers myself.  Yet,  there is a part of me that is so tired of being self righteous like if I knew what is right and what is wrong all the time for me and everyone around.   The truth is that I don´t know.  Every situation is new:  I try to be present as much as I can with whatever is in the moment and stay open.   My ego suffers for sure because egos always like to be right,  to be pampered,  special and have lots of attention.  It is the same with students: some crave this and get very pissed if the teacher is not there for them in the way their mom or dad or whoever hurt them never did it for them before.  They want the teacher to be their friend and this is a big no- no.  In their psyque,   the teacher becomes the substitute for the love they never received.  It takes a lot of presence from the teacher  not to get engaged with this particular type of student.  Usually they run away in their fantasy quest for the perfect parent-teacher-guide-partner instead of growing up.

So my teacher has taught with his example how not to engage.  In my personal relationships giving my best shot for a fresh perspective.  And in my career as well.  If i try to fill someone´s hole it´s never going to stop.  I will drown with them and it´s no use.  I´m not helping them and I deeply want to help them.  Even if they hate me in the moment in the long run they may understand the depth of their wound and do something about it.

What can be done is personal practice with lots of devotion and faith,  as my own teacher has done for more than 20 years.  I say this because I´m also that needy,  righteous person who once thought knew what she deserved from her teacher and everyone else around her.  Thanks to my practice my heart has been broken open to its depths and now I understand the blaming has to stop if I want to grow in my spiritual path.  Or my so called spiritual path can hide all my wounds.  Being a yogini is a perfect disguise.  But it´s way deeper than the backbends,  the life style or the look.  It goes right to the core of our being,  even our DNA and the pain we carry from our past generations.  Sometimes we act like our ancestors without even knowing it and keep acting out their pain instead of living our own lives with courage and power.

Practice takes care of that.  Trust in our guides and love for Spirit.  There is no other way but to face ourselves.  No one can do it for us,  no one can protect us and make it easier.  The teacher is showing us the way by the way they carry their lives,  even with all the human mistakes they may commit.  But it´s not fair to blame our teacher or crave their attention.   They are going through deep transformation as well,  they have a family, work,  practice.  Why burden them?  I wouldn´t think of it.  I deeply care for mine and I want to help him in any way I can,  not ask him for anything.  I´m sure he has a lot of people behind him asking for stuff. 

We need to walk alone in this journey and I personally appreciate a teacher that believes in me,  even when I don´t.   That is his guidance and present to me,  even in the distance.  He doesn´t have to pamper me,   I personally don´t like flattery or indulgence.  My teachers cut to the bone and they teach by leading with their example. 

They lead the way with their presence and personal effort.

That is the kind of teacher I would like to be.  Someone that inspires others like they do.  Even Guruji who is not in this world anymore has an impact in my practice everyday.  All those amazing beings who have shown me to go to the places that scare me. And of course my colleages who are fighting hard battles in each corner of this planet,  not only in their mats but in their personal lives to keep this method alive,  even with all the noise around it. 

We all want to do the work with seriousness and commitment and we are all giving our best,  I´m sure.   It makes me so proud to be part of this community and each day i feel so very honored to represent my teacher wherever I go.

May we all find true happiness and peace.  
May all beings find true happiness and peace.

May we grow up and let go of all the issues that separate us from the Love- I would add. 

Shanti Om