I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I land in paradise.  I´m surrounded by monkeys,  palm trees,  beautiful views of the ocean and the sky,  good friends,  the practice i love and a lot of new insights and lessons.

I came here after a few very hard days filled with anguish and fear.  Some people think that when you have a spiritual practice things get easier:  no,  life keeps happening with all it´s ups and downs. Maybe the advantage is that you have somewhere to go when in pain.  Now i feel i have a space inside that holds me unconditionally through the valleys and the peaks.

Living in a human body is already a stretch.  Sometimes the body feels good, sometimes it hurts. Sometimes i have energy,  somedays i have none.  Living in a woman´s body also has a palette of emotions and moods that come with this particular model.  Sometimes i lose it,  sometimes i hold myself equipoised and balanced.

I don´t judge myself anymore:  i just do the best i can.

So i lost it before i came here.

"Someone" dissappointed me.  
"Someone" did something that in my book it´s totally off.

Of course,  this particular human being is someone i care about so it really hurt.
Actually,  it bled. 
Ouch.
Right on the spot,  straight to the wound.

Bad.

Threw a fit.  Cried and lament myself....bla bla bla.  And the wave passed.  Just like my surfer friends here learn to pass those huge walls that i saw today in Playa Negra.  Oh my God.  So brave,  so courageous.  And somehow i did it myself in my own way.  Not gracefully,  not elegantly.  But i managed to come out safe and sound.  Regathered myself and coming to this beautiful place has helped so much.

I think we are all allowed to go back into the old patterns once in a while so we can remember how much suffering we can inflict ourselves with our old thinking.  My mind has deja vus and suddenly i go back twenty years in my life when someone i really really loved dropped me,  failed me or abandoned me.  In those years i had no one inside to hold on to.   I felt so lonely.  Now i still feel the pain but somehow i know it will pass.  A muscle inside that i have trained for many years gets active and pulls me out of the drama way faster.

I sincerely wish i didn´t react to other peoples discrepancies and lack of communication.  But i know is something that i need to accept in any relationship.  I try my best to be reliable but that doesn´t mean the other one has to be because i am.  Each one of us is a universe in itself and my reaction probably just makes the other one justify their lack of awareness.

I´m learning to accept everything that comes my way as if i had chosen it and it´s really easy when get invited to teach in such beautiful places amongst such amazing human beings.  Today i shared with people from Argentina,  Israel,  United States,  Costa Rica and Colombia.

We shared not only the practice but a connection to something we love.

And i realize Love is the healer,  the aim and the purpose.  And all the dark cloud gives way to a shining sun,  just like this amazing blazing warm Guanacaste Sun.