Heart unable to sleep

The rain receives me after my trip.  I am closing a vital cycle of seven years with rain.

The house cracks with the wind and the water.  The trees are moving without resistance.  Can´t see the stars,  but i know they are out there.  I can see them with my soul,  serene and pristine.  Maybe it´s because i feel a little that way.

I feel clear because i have come to a moment of understanding about this life: almost all of it is a game of the mind.  Also, i know now true love never breaks down,  never dies,  survives death.  It´s beyond any idea or concept.  It is and will always be.

My experience of human love in this lifetime has been unstable and cut off.  Because i have been unstable and cut off.  I´ve lacked the strength to say a total yes.  Short moments followed by vanity and ego.  Painful spasms that resist to jump into the unknown abyss of the heart.  Parallel realities that never really touch.  My own resistance:  outside only mirrors of my own insecurities.

My biggest fear: to open up completely and discover there was nothing there.  No true love in this place.  Almost as terrible as realizing there is no God.  Fear paralizes me and even though i long to love,  the other´s fragility and mistakes only confirm my prophecy.  Good justification to not open up.  Anyways,  it´s flawed from the beginning.

God, or whatever i call IT, has given me the blessing-or curse, of feeling too much.  I feel the beauty, the bliss, but also the sadness and the grief.  I am particularly sensitive to other people´s masks and i hurt when i can´t really see them through all their stuff or they can´t see me.   I´m working and have been for a while in putting down anything that separates me from my own true essence.  At least giving it my best shot.

The masks feel like they are glued to my face after so many years,  decades, maybe lifetimes of wearing them.  It hurts to let them go.  I´m risking not being "liked". I feel fragile but the biggest fear is to not be seen.  To become again only a projection of someone else´s illusions.

I long for love with no buffers.

A month ago,  i met someone. My masks dropped in his presence.  I didn´t have to do anything, not even think about it.  His presence created the miracle.  I didn´t realize it in the moment,  but i have been during the past days and during my trip.  We shared three nights and three mornings,  that was all.  But i got a new point of reference.  Maybe i can call this meeting the miracle of love: the letting go of any agenda and just the possibility of a meeting between two souls.

i take a nap and wander in my bed.

the jet lag is killing me,  maybe my brain is not functioning so well...

midnight in Europe,  no wonder i feel weird.  Awake with my heart longing.  

The rain calms down,  just a few more  drops in my roof and then all is quiet.

And i dream of Love.