Algo muy bueno viene

De nuevo en un aeropuerto.

Ya me estoy haciendo experta en esto de mover este cuerpo por el mundo.  Ya tengo configurado el peso de mi equipaje,  los gadgets y lecturas.  Cada vez viajo más liviana y con el equipo importante.

Mientras escogía alguna música para la Demo del último día en La Haya,  mientras el avión aterrizaba,  me llegó un mensaje cósmico de que todo está bien.  Superbien.  Extra bien.  Mucho mejor de lo que me imaginé.  No puedo explicar la alegría que sentí:  como si a través de la música el Prana se comunicara directamente conmigo.  Es difícil de explicar.

La cosa es que me dijo que la gente que voy a conocer son espectaculares.  Hasta pude verlos!  Son simplemente bellos! Así que voy con todavía más entusiasmo por estar con ellos diez días.  Me anticiparon un bombazo de amor,  de esos que uno no anticipa pero que secretamente añora y que se presentan en los momentos más inesperados.  A pesar del viaje tan largo y cansado- escribo y estoy apenas en mi primera parada,  me faltan dos-, esto vale absolutamente la pena.

Hace poco le preguntaron a una maestra de esta disciplina que amo que qué hacían con el dolor en el cuerpo.  Se volvió muy segura y les dijo:  "ES SOLO DOLOR.  Si supieran lo que viene a cambio de ese dolor,  no les importaría para nada."

La cola en Migración dura dos horas.  Dos horas en las que no puedo oír música ni tampoco usar mi celular.  Así que decido sacar mi querido Yoga Mala y es como si lo leyera por primera vez.  Guruji es tan claro al explicar todo lo que nos quita la energía:  malas compañías,  mucha salidera a lugares públicos,  molotes de gente,  comida llena de grasa o carne,   relaciones inconscientes.  Explica con una claridad y mucha dulzura que en esta vida hay tres opciones:  placer,  enfermedad o yoga.  Si uno escoge el placer,  inevitablemente le sigue la enfermedad.  Así que el Yoga es en realidad la única opción inteligente.

Ya empiezan a llamar para abordar y tengo que cortar mis escritos.  Lista a cruzar de nuevo el océano en pos de algo que intuyo va a ser muy,  pero muy....pero MUY bello.

Oráculo

Me despierto después de una pesadilla incómoda:   estoy tratando de explicarle a esta persona "non-grata" por qué es precisamente non-grata...no me escucha.  No me entiende.  Empiezo a gritarle en el sueño.  Inútil.

Despierto gritando...

A menudo encuentro situaciones personales donde ni para adelante ni para atrás.  En estos casos,  acudo irremediablemente al I-Ching.  Este Oráculo termina dando luz a la situación de maneras insospechadas para mí.  Todavía agitada, lo tomo en mis manos y apuesto de nuevo a su consejo.

Pienso en X,  Y,  Z y todos aquellos que de alguna forma siento lejanos a mi corazón.  El libro es claro y contundente:

"Es de un sabio dejar a las espaldas los afanes del mundo.  Recorrer el camino con veracidad y claridad.

Cómo podría haber falla en ello?
Es propicia la perseverancia.  No hay defecto.  

Mediante el servicio llega uno a dominar.
Sé consecuente y sin falta.
No malgastes fuerzas en falsas resistencias.  Cualquier situación se torna buena únicamente cuando uno sabe adaptarse.  

Sepárate de lo inferior y superficial.
Permanece firme."

Leo y releo el oráculo.  Milagrosamente mi mente se expande.  De una situación limitada y dolorosamente humana,  entro en una perspectiva más amplia.

Veracidad y claridad:  el Yoga me pide que sea consecuente.  Me pide transparencia,  lealtad y honor.  Me sigue poniendo la lección por delante- y lo hará  hasta que la entienda.  Para entender,  me manda exactamente la situación opuesta:  aquella que implica mentira,  deslealtad y deshonor.

Mmmm....

Perseverancia:  cómo fallar si me mantengo firme y enfocada?  Aunque mil nimiedades confabulen para sacarme del camino.  Cómo mantenerme firme y enfocada?  De la mano de mi maestro y la buena compañía de gente que anda en mi misma frecuencia.

Servicio:  servir es salirse de uno mismo.  Pero no todos están listos para servir.  Mi maestro dice que primero uno tiene que probar la medicina,  usarla por un tiempo largo y empezar a sanarse uno mismo.  Luego, puede aspirar a compartirla cuando él dé la luz verde.  Tantos "unhealed healers"  que más bien traen caos a otras vidas.

Consecuente:  cómo intentarlo?  Cómo no desmoralizarme ante los fallos ajenos?  Me ayuda rodearme de gente que me mantenga sobria,  despierta,  que no  compre nuestras ilusiones,  que nos llame la atención cuando estamos metiendo la pata.  Y con la habilidad constante de escuchar y mucha,  mucha humildad.

Firmeza:  implica separarme de todo aquello que me quita energía,  que me distrae y desmotiva.  Lo inferior y lo superficial.  Implica decir muchos adioses y otros muchos holas.  Saber escoger y tener siempre activa la capacidad de soltar.

Cierro mi libro.  Este libro que me ha acompañado ya por décadas.
Dejo atrás cualquier intento vano de reestablecer un orden que creo perdido.

No hay pérdida. No hay defecto.
Todo es perfecto como sucedió.

"La estrella orientadora va en pos de lo bello y lo bueno. "

Y cierra el oráculo con la frase perfecta:

"Así el noble a la hora del atardecer se recoge para su receso y descanso."

La pesadilla se esfuma.  En medio de mi meditación,  recibo un correo de India de esta persona non-grata pidiendo amistad,  cercanía,  perdón...

Decido no malgastar más fuerzas y continuar con paciencia y entusiasmo el camino iniciado.
Sin mirar atrás.

Sin falsos arrepentimientos.
Con los ojos abiertos y la esperanza de que vendrán tiempos mejores.

Seventh Series and bite the dust.

4 am: the alarm clock sets off.

I wake up after a good night sleep.  Third Series today.  Ouch.  It hurts even before hitting the mat.  Ok.  Let´s do this.

I get the studio ready:  light up the candles,  put on the incense.  Turn on the low lamps.  Set up my rug.  Everything and everyone sleeps.  Deep silence and morning bliss.  The students wait outside:  five amazing souls who woke up today at 3 am.  They are here.

I feel so happy.

As they get in and i sit in meditation,  my heart flies to India.  Thinking of my teacher,  his intense dharma.  My friends there and all over the world.  For sure,  someone is about to do the same somewhere in the planet.  I feel blessed,  with the normal little pains in the body at this time of dawn.

We sit in meditation for a few minutes.  Six costarican yogis in the break of the day.  We start practice and move together.

One energy. One breath.

...

About half an hour later into the practice,  i instantly hear the screams.  Run to my son´s bedroom.  Shit.  Big accident.  Need to run.  Hospital,  phone?  Where are the car keys?  I am in my yoga clothes!  My other son awakes as well.  He is worried and about to cry.   Two small children,  a very uncontrolled,  about to break-into-tears scared,  anxious mom...

Everything is dark.

Hold it together.  YOU.
Need to get them in the car.  Now.  
OMG. What about the third baby? Still fast asleep...

And then i remember.  I am not alone today.  My friends are here.  I can leave the house and Matías is in good hands.  Run to one of my students,  tell him in a nut about the problem.  Not that they haven´t noticed.  The screams and tears are pretty loud.

God has a way of protecting those of us who trust Him.

I drive to the hospital in tears,  shaking.  My son is crying,  he is in pain.  His brother worried.  I tell him to breathe,  to be a brave boy.  Tell him God sends challenges to the souls that are strong.  He seems to calm down.  His brother caresses him.  I call the paediatrician,  all set.  They are waiting.   I just have to drive now.  Drive and pray like crazy in this beautiful,  absurd bright and cold daybreak.

Beyond the external chaos,  beyond the absolute fear for my beloved´s physical integrity,  something pulses inside and keeps me going.  I feel shaky and terrorised,  wished all the pain in this world could be inflicted on me so it doesn´t touch my little one.  Tears start flowing.  No way to control anything here.  Be with it.

The uncertainty,  the disconfort,  the Love.

Feel his pain and trust the doctor.

...

It´s 3 pm in the afternoon.  Gael is doing good now.    I can hear him laughing and playing downstairs.  Somehow,  he came intact from the experience.  Such a strong,  wise little boy.  He claims he did scream very hard when the doctor helped him,  but could hold his ground.  Not his mamma who is crying and crumbling down as she writes these lines.

Today,  i faced the biggest fear in my life.  I don´t think i kept it together very well,    but i know for sure something beyond my mind protected all of us.  If it had been a normal day,  no one would have come to practice early.  I would have been all alone with the three babies with a very serious accident and no help.

But my friends came today.  Everything was somehow planned by Someone so even in the edge i could find my ground.

This invisible hand  sends me challenges but also softens the bite and embraces me through my friends.

He is Ok.
I am on my knees.

Isn´t this what i have been praying for?

La muerte nos despierta

Recibo un correo muy sentido de una querida estudiante que no veo hace días.

Me cuenta de la muerte de una gran amiga.  Mujer joven y valiente como ella que dejó su cuerpo físico hace pocos minutos.

El zimbronazo interno que la muerte nos produce no tiene parangón en esta vida. Todos vivimos un poco adormilados,  como si la cosa no fuera con nosotros.  Hacemos y deshacemos y perdemos perspectiva de que nuestros días están contados.

De que no hay tiempo que perder.

Anoche hablaba con un grupo de siete yoguis,  todos ellos ejemplo de enfoque y compromiso.  Hablábamos precisamente del drishti,  que en nuestra práctica consiste en ir cerrando poco a poco los sentidos externos y volvernos más bien expertos en el mundo interno.  La realidad de la muerte nos sirve a los que tenemos una práctica espiritual como un recordatorio inaludible de nuestra propia mortalidad y es punto de referencia poderoso a la hora de hacer un recuento de nuestra vida.

Mi amiga,  movida por ese evento,  me explica con palabras dulces su cariño y apoyo a mi labor.  Me da palabras de aliento ante los obstáculos que inevitablemente han sucedido en el camino,  me invita a no quedarme pegada en los juicios ajenos ni en la crítica ignorante.  Me recuerda que hay muchos otros que sí entienden.

Me conmueve...

Ser pionero en algo no es fácil.  El liderazgo no es algo que buscara intencionalmente.  Simplemente decidí un día que tenía que compartir con quien quisiera algo que me ha ayudado mucho en mi propia vida.

Que me ha transformado. 

Todos venimos al Yoga con mucho bagaje y cargas emocionales.  Esta práctica nos da la bienvenida incondicionalmente y yo,  en mi pequeña humanidad,  trato de hacer lo mismo en el Estudio con la gente.  Mi gran deseo de verdad y libertad no es sólo por mí,  sino por los otros,  y esto me ha impedido ver en el pasado que no todas las almas se acercan a esto por misticismo y con respeto.  He sido testigo de acciones verdaderamente desconectadas,  víctima de rumores crueles,  malas lenguas y todo lo demás.  Pero ya me habían advertido:  mis maestros ya lo sabían.  Cuando uno tiene un maestro tiene la gran virtud de haber encontrado un guardaespaldas incondicional,  un ser que vive para protegerlo a uno.  Pregunté,  con lágrimas en mis ojos, si yo estaba haciendo algo mal.  Su respuesta contundente fue que no,  que simplemente tenía que aprender a a vivir con el dolor e ignorar las acciones de estos seres.  Al igual que él lo hace todos los días.

Me advirtió de maestros falsos que hace un burumbún y a la hora de la hora anteponen intereses personales a su enseñanza.  Me contó de aquellos que buscan la fama y el dinero a la hora de enseñar y se vuelven modelos superficiales y distorsionados de una práctica que es, por su misma esencia,  algo tan sagrado e íntimo como el momento de la muerte.  Me advirtió sobre las malas lenguas y de toda la gente que en vez de ayudar disfruta en hablar mal de los demás.  No puedo decir que no me aclaró con pelos y señales en lo que me estaba metiendo.

Anoche,  mientras compartía con estos yogis de corazón,  gente buena y amable,  determinados y fuertes,  los escuché compartir  un deseo incontenible de ayudar a otros y dar.  Escucharlos fue para mí como un bálsamo en mi alma.  Sólo los que vivimos esto comprendemos la seriedad de este camino.   También la necesidad imperiosa de tender humildemente la mano.   Para que el día en que la divina muerte nos sorprenda estemos ya habituados a ese lugar y podamos despedirnos de este mundo con una sonrisa en los labios,  satisfechos con la labor cumplida.

Quiero pensar en esta alma bella que dejó anoche su cuerpo mientras manejaba de regreso de la playa junto a su perro amado.  Venía de ver a su novio,  su amor.  Venía seguramente feliz,  realizada,  serena.  El choque tuvo que haber sido un impacto terrible,  pero el estado en que estamos antes del gran momento determina en mucho la salida de este cuerpo.  Quiero pensar que salió llena de amor,  en paz,  y que ahora nos ve a todos con una sonrisa en los labios preguntándose cuándo diablos  vamos a despertar.

Admiro a todos aquellos que ponen un pie en su alfombra cada mañana y honran el miedo que todos tenemos a la muerte física.  Admiro y quiero a mi maestro que con su ejemplo me muestra que no puedo echarle pedradas a cada perro en el camino.

No hay tiempo que perder.  

Y sobre todo,  agradezco y honro a estos yogis serenos,  intensos,  llenos de miedos y dudas como yo. Sé que en este momento estamos todos unidos por una causa más grande y noble:   la causa del Amor.   Este mundo está sediento de algo más que dobles caras,  chismes y bajonazos de piso.  A la hora de la verdad,  eso no nos va a servir de nada.

Un nuevo día comienza y con los pajaritos le doy la bienvenida a este martes de marzo.

Vande Gurunam,  Charanaravide...
Oh Maestro,  llevános de la oscuridad a la Luz...

Post 300 in this blog

Today,  i started a  new cycle in my life.

Things have a way of coming to an end and starting again.  Life is a continuous process of trusting the unknown and giving up on our plans.  Then it becomes the perfect gift,  full of surprises and tenderness,  willing to make us believe again that we deserve everything we are searching for.

It takes courage and awareness to recognise this.  I had been procrastinating out of concern for others and today that part of my process ended.   Our life is ours to live,  a gift to cherish every single day.

Today I decided to gather up my courage and trust life is pointing me in the right direction.  The worse that can happen is that I realise later i've made a mistake...

But isn't by making mistakes how we grow and build up our own, imperfect,  flawed beautiful life?

Today i am giving up on lost hopes and dreams.   Maybe that is what we call growing up.  But i don't want to lose the feeling of being on the verge of something wonderful,  unexpected and absolutely beautiful.  I know Love is my nature and the only path i can follow right now.  Love has a way of creating more Love,  more beauty and abundance.  It doesn't stop growing.

It can't and will not.

Those that i leave behind I leave in peace and gratitude.  Those i welcome i embrace with acceptance and trust.  It's never about the other,  though the other has the quality of placing  a close mirror to observe with patience our fears and doubts,  but also to be mesmerised by our essence.   It's such a blessing to be in relationship and also such a blessing to be able to let it go and move on.

So my life flows between two shores:  the Known that i´m saying goodbye to and the inmense,  surrealistic Unknown.  I feel like a little ship in the middle of the ocean.  But the ocean is calm now.  I can take my time to row,  enjoy the sun and admire the sunset.  I can listen to the seagulls,  watch the stars and follow my journey in peace.  The other shore is still far away- i do hope, and this trip in this lifetime has taken me to this precious moment:  the moment of realisation of who i am and why am i here on this earth.  Everything makes sense now.

To those who have helped me come in my life to this moment i bow.  To those who have broken my heart in little peaces, built me up from my core,  inspired me to keep going and given me roots,  i bow also.  I bow to the sky,  the earth and the wind.  To the eyes of my dear children who bless my life each day.  I bow to my dharma and my teachers.  And most of all,  i bow to the inner muscle of letting go who is permitting me to jump with a smile on my face.

I bow to whatever is coming with excitement and a call for freedom.

No regrets.
I don´t regret anything,  as that famous song sings.

And that will be my mantra for the rest of my life.

To make sure each step i take i take with total conviction and profound,  deep, rich,  unending beautiful expansive Love.

Humility is everything

My yoga practice has taught humility above anything else.  Sometimes we need to witness painful things to understand what the qualities of the heart are.  Usually we need to witness strange actions to understand the power of of our practice.

There used to be a time when ambition was my motto.  More postures,  more series...more craziness,  more restlessness.  Now i know it´s not about that.

The power of a good teacher resides in being our rock in the middle of the storm.  My two Gurus are huge mountains,  powerful and humble at the same time.  Their love for their own Gurus has shown me the way to a deeper surrender of my my own plans and agendas.

I always thought i could transmit that same devotion to my students.  But it´s been a painful realisation to see how i have failed.  I have sent already ten students to Mysore.  From all of those,  only four have actually understood the real meaning of the pilgrimage.  It´s not about the asana. It´s not about bragging about the trip and taking pics all over the place- though it happens as a side effect.  It´s about a deeper connection to our own selves and the possibility of bypassing our mental patterns and attachments.  And this can only happen if you are connected in gratitude to the one who showed you the way.

From those ten students who had all my hopes and best wishes,  some of them stopped practicing.  They thought they had achieved something. That India meant they didn´t need any more guidance.  And that´s the mystery of this path:  the more you practice, the less you know.  The more you dive into the depths of yoga,  there is less need to demonstrate that you know.  You become like a little kid,  happy to play and help others.  Just the pure bliss of knowing you are protected by your teacher and that you can never go astray if you follow his steps.

You realise your teacher is your anchor and without them there is no where to go.

One of these students went to India once and came back and instantly opened a Yoga School.  The teacher in India told her clearly she was not ready.  One trip is just wetting your feet in the water.

"Fifteen years,  says my teacher Sharath.  Not 200-500 teacher trainings (about 40 days).  Whole life practice,  many trips to Mysore". 

Nevertheless,  she got carried away by who knows what old patterns in her mind and did it,  even though i never agreed and never gave her my blessing.  Separate will.  Bad karma.  Poor students.

Another one,  went and got all very confused because she was studying with different teachers.  This yoga is the yoga of commitment.  Like my teacher says:  "Two doctors kill the patient,  two wives kill the husband...two teachers... " Her mind became a toy manipulated in the hands of those who haven´t been to my school in India and have a lot of judgments and opinions which are not true.

She got lost in the way.

The last one had many issues and practice was making her vulnerable and fragile.  Just when she was ready to go deeper and find real answers to very hard questions,  fear came in.  This practice has the quality of opening deep wounds that we have carried in our tissues and muscles since many years.  It has the power to give us a new body and new mind,  if we can hold on and be brave.  Traveling to India in my tradition requires the blessing of your own teacher to go.  The teachers knows when you are ready.  They also know when you are not.  The apparent external power can never substitute the sincerity of a heart that is willing to wait.

She is in Mysore right now. Quit the shala,  went without my blessing.  Pushed through it.  Forgot what this is about.

The external practice in Ashtanga yoga is tricky.  Some think an advanced practitioner is someone who has practiced many years. Not necessarily.  For me,  an advanced practitioner is someone who has the wisdom to listen.  Yoga starts with listening.

The rest just went astray,  who knows where.  For them,  India was an exotic adventure.   It´s painful because i feel i couldn´t transmit them the power this Mecca holds if you can reach it in a state of humility and gratitude.  Somehow they lost the thread,  the connection to this river of Love and respect.

It´s not up to me to judge anybody else,  but i do feel the pain of sharing what i love and respect with all my heart with people who were not ready in their souls for this journey.  Somehow i thought the asana meant they were ready.  Big mistake.  It´s hard for anyone to read hearts and this practice has the power to go deep into it and take out all the poison.  Heal us.  Make us new.  But we need to have patience.

The four students who have returned from Mysore transformed were those students who never pretended to be what they were not.  Real people,  big hearts.  Honest practices.  Devotional minds.  Powerful souls in search of realisation,  in search of themselves.  Loving people who will be more loving,  more open and compassionate.  Stepping into their dharma with courage and humility.

Because without humility a yogi is not a yogi.
No matter how strong or nice the jump backs and how open the backbends.

An open heart full of humility is the sign of a true practitioner.
A heart that  honors each of those who have shown him or her the way and walked the path before us.

I thank these four souls for showing me the greatness of humility.  I also thank the rest for showing me what a yogi is not.

It´s been a great honor for me to be part of your path, my dear friends.

I know you will understand this love to be able to say:

"Let´s make our teachers proud".

I Love You

I´m writing in english today.

After practice,  i decided to work for a while.  While i was in Fb,  a good friend from Mysore wrote me.  We both share the longing for our teacher and school.  We miss our friends and the deeper reality we can access in the blessed land of India.

He finished our chat with three words:  "I love you".

It was so sweet.  He has his girlfriend and totally loves her,  so i could instantly understand what love he was talking about. Beyond any status,  distance or politics,  the truth is that we all share the same love.  It´s hard sometimes to realize our real connection is submitted to labels and commitments with people and society.    That those commitments impair the ability we all have to express our soul´s needs and communion.

My friend did just that.

Living in society is not an easy task.  I totally get we need to have some type of order.  It would be chaos if we all followed our hearts,  random attractions and infatuations and act on them.   But the other extreme leaves some of us feeling kind of cheated.  If our relationship is not legal,  social and recognized then it can´t exist.

It´s banned.  It´s "wrong".

One of my girlfriends  has this dilemma also.  She has a wonderful boyfriend.  His only flaw is that he gets triggered if any of her male friends call or text her.  He lives in a nightmare.  It would be wise if he could realize her beauty and how other beings also want to be close to her.  She is not his.  Not an object to possess but a soul to share with.

Can we be happy when someone else admires our partner?
Happy because they are attractive,  beautiful and full of life?
Can we realize we are not the property of anyone else,  but God´s?  

Can we realize WE are all beautiful beings and it´s impossible not to feel attracted by many of our same kind?  Not even in a sexual way,  in a deep,  loving,  appreciating-beauty-and- love way...

Most couples cannot take their relationship this far.  I´m been one to feel very insecure about third parties around my men.  But lately i´ve felt this love for everyone around me.  It has nothing to do with gender or social status.  It´s beyond all that.  A realization we are all one big heart and any barrier is artificial.

My friend gave me a big lesson today.  My cybernetic buddy showed me his heart in three words.  I know where he is coming from,  i can trust him.  He has a big heart-  just like me,  and doesn´t want to miss the opportunity to let it show.

It´s up to each one of us:  let it show or bury it alive.  And maybe when we all learn to be with each other without fear,  a new earth will be born and with it.  A new consciousness where we are all part of God´s Love on earth.

Sharing our heart fully in each interaction.  Respecting each other capacity to love intensely.  Honoring the opportunity we have to be with each other in this lifetime and maybe, just maybe,  going beyond the fears.