There was a time when i used to sabotage myself all the time.
The name of my game was unworthiness, deep wound inside that somehow i tried to cover with three masters degrees in Law, crazy workouts in the gym and ultimately, a bunch of failed relationships that only brought me more grief.
The name of the game was run and hide. Resemble this, imitate that. Be anyone but you. You are nothing, who cares? Learn to copy, stay safe in your cocoon and never, ever love. It´s risky. It´s dangerous. You may get hurt again and never come back.
So i learned to live in the surface. Anything was an excuse to get distracted: flirting, traveling, lying, pretending. Always stay above THAT. You know, what hurts. I became an expert in avoiding. Avoiding myself and sadly, avoiding also those i loved the most.
I don´t remember how it happened, but it did. My mind tries to explain it but it really can´t. Did a bunch of spiritual shopping: it felt shallow and senseless, but it would fill up the hours. Met some amazing teachers, but no one really hit home.
And then i found him.
He was so simple and heavy. Not only in his physical body, but in his being. Being close to him i felt like a tiny satellite surrounding a big sun. He was a man of few words and most of his words were hard to understand for me. But that smile! That honest, loving and sweet smile...his arms would put me in crazy positions but more than the adjustments themselves he had this energy. Like the earth, the sky and the sun all together. His presence, his steps and his eyes suddenly brighten my life. And then, for the first time, i contemplated coming out of my cave for a while.
Being around my teacher was no small feat. His guidance felt hard and strict in the beginning. But there was something that felt safe for me. His kisses and hugs at the end of practice were clean and pure. He felt like a mother, a father, a grandpa and a teacher all at the same time. I would touch his feet not fully understanding what it meant at the moment. Now i´m so happy i followed my soul´s instructions. His feet grounded me.
Fed up from a life lived from the head, my instinct to protect myself let go. I knew there was someone in this world that would not hurt me. He could only heal me. His hand could only help me. I was not threatened anymore. This process of building trust again from scratch took years, many many years, until one day i knew that something had changed inside.
I felt less fear. I felt i was not alone anymore.
And then he died. His death was a sweet reminder of his teachings of love and surrender. His energy actually grew stronger as the days went by. We had a gathering in his home for a month a few weeks after his passing. All of us received something beyond a certificate: he was there with us. As present and alive as he had been before.
This miracle happened because he loved us. In his pure heart his students were his most precious children. Each one of us had a place in his heart. Even when he forgot our names, he never forgot our energies: who we truly are. He knew us from a previous place, he was expecting each one of us and protected us faithfully from many corrupted energies. He was our shield and keeps taking care of us.
One day, not so long ago, i had one of those days when you basically want to die and leave everything behind. It was darkness, pure hell. I went to the shala, it was almost sunset. I was crying in desperation. Suddenly, i heard the door opening. And then it closed again, almost instantly. I kept crying but i felt very calm.
Later i found out what happened: my son- four years old at the time-, had come looking for me. He said:
"Mommy, i was looking for you and then i went in the meditation room and there was a man, very fat, sitting close to you. So i got scared and left..."
I smiled and knew he was speaking truth.
Because the love for our teacher never leaves our heart. And their love for us goes beyond any ideas of mortality.
They are there with us in the darkest moments.
They will be waiting for us when the threshold comes...
and we will be as safe then as we are now in their loving protection, the most cherished blessing our souls have received in this lifetime.
To my dear Guruji.
The name of my game was unworthiness, deep wound inside that somehow i tried to cover with three masters degrees in Law, crazy workouts in the gym and ultimately, a bunch of failed relationships that only brought me more grief.
The name of the game was run and hide. Resemble this, imitate that. Be anyone but you. You are nothing, who cares? Learn to copy, stay safe in your cocoon and never, ever love. It´s risky. It´s dangerous. You may get hurt again and never come back.
So i learned to live in the surface. Anything was an excuse to get distracted: flirting, traveling, lying, pretending. Always stay above THAT. You know, what hurts. I became an expert in avoiding. Avoiding myself and sadly, avoiding also those i loved the most.
I don´t remember how it happened, but it did. My mind tries to explain it but it really can´t. Did a bunch of spiritual shopping: it felt shallow and senseless, but it would fill up the hours. Met some amazing teachers, but no one really hit home.
And then i found him.
He was so simple and heavy. Not only in his physical body, but in his being. Being close to him i felt like a tiny satellite surrounding a big sun. He was a man of few words and most of his words were hard to understand for me. But that smile! That honest, loving and sweet smile...his arms would put me in crazy positions but more than the adjustments themselves he had this energy. Like the earth, the sky and the sun all together. His presence, his steps and his eyes suddenly brighten my life. And then, for the first time, i contemplated coming out of my cave for a while.
Being around my teacher was no small feat. His guidance felt hard and strict in the beginning. But there was something that felt safe for me. His kisses and hugs at the end of practice were clean and pure. He felt like a mother, a father, a grandpa and a teacher all at the same time. I would touch his feet not fully understanding what it meant at the moment. Now i´m so happy i followed my soul´s instructions. His feet grounded me.
Fed up from a life lived from the head, my instinct to protect myself let go. I knew there was someone in this world that would not hurt me. He could only heal me. His hand could only help me. I was not threatened anymore. This process of building trust again from scratch took years, many many years, until one day i knew that something had changed inside.
I felt less fear. I felt i was not alone anymore.
And then he died. His death was a sweet reminder of his teachings of love and surrender. His energy actually grew stronger as the days went by. We had a gathering in his home for a month a few weeks after his passing. All of us received something beyond a certificate: he was there with us. As present and alive as he had been before.
This miracle happened because he loved us. In his pure heart his students were his most precious children. Each one of us had a place in his heart. Even when he forgot our names, he never forgot our energies: who we truly are. He knew us from a previous place, he was expecting each one of us and protected us faithfully from many corrupted energies. He was our shield and keeps taking care of us.
One day, not so long ago, i had one of those days when you basically want to die and leave everything behind. It was darkness, pure hell. I went to the shala, it was almost sunset. I was crying in desperation. Suddenly, i heard the door opening. And then it closed again, almost instantly. I kept crying but i felt very calm.
Later i found out what happened: my son- four years old at the time-, had come looking for me. He said:
"Mommy, i was looking for you and then i went in the meditation room and there was a man, very fat, sitting close to you. So i got scared and left..."
I smiled and knew he was speaking truth.
Because the love for our teacher never leaves our heart. And their love for us goes beyond any ideas of mortality.
They are there with us in the darkest moments.
They will be waiting for us when the threshold comes...
and we will be as safe then as we are now in their loving protection, the most cherished blessing our souls have received in this lifetime.
To my dear Guruji.
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