My mother the crucible

The challenge of traveling despite my broken heart has taught me so much about what my teacher explains regarding the meaning of practice.  

Practice gives us stability:  physical,  mental and emotional.  It's only because of my daily practice and my previous years of sadhana that I can keep going.  

Otherwise, I think I would have died of grief.

In one of the trains we saw a young man asking a senior citizen to move from her seat.  Yes,  it was his seat for sure and he had the train ticket to prove it.  But this lady did not deserve to be treated in that way.  He was extremely rude and entitled and even though he was right in the sense he had bought a ticket for himself, he was deeply wrong to disturb her in the way he did.

This incident made me think a lot about the difference between something legal and something which is ethically right,  an action  which respects sacred values of life,  honor and integrity.  Of course,  it brought me back to my own personal predicament and the pain I have endured after my children were taken away from me last November in Costa Rica. 

Using the law or any argument against ethics and basic human goodness is one of the most common abuses that happen daily in the halls of justice.   Using legal arguments to cover the truth can be done,  yes.  I was a witness of that for many years in my law practice and that is exactly why I left my law career.  

Truth can be bent and spoiled and anything can be written on paper.  It takes an extremely wise judge to see beyond the letters and fell the humans behind them and understand the deepest reality and consequences of her ruling in real life.  

In mine,  my children have been psychologically manipulated for months to believe they don't need their mother. Since they are still little,  they have been an easy prey.  But karma is amazing and all children grow up.  Each one of us understands a lot about our childhood now:  who was truthful and who was not; who was bad mouthing others and what heavy karma comes from that.

Children grow and I know mine will find a way back to me,  if they choose to.  Right now,  they can't because they are in the hands of confusion and delusion.  They are surrounded by many distortions.   I know they will be very angry when they understand what really happened.  That is exactly what happened to many of us when we grew up and then understood who were the liars and who the thieves.  

Until then,  the legal fight goes very slowly and I'm enduring the effects of hardships and discouragement.  The case is barely starting since we have 5 or more years in front of us to finally come to a final ruling regarding the custody.  By then my children will be 16,  15 and 14 and their childhood would have vanished in front of my eyes.

I'm so grateful to have my practice and the presence of my Guru's feet to face whatever will come. As yoga has taught me,  I can choose to stay in despair and hopelessness,  complain and cry and yet nothing will change.  Or I can choose to create something beautiful,  even with my torn heart.  

These extreme challenging times have confirmed there is something unbreakable in my soul.  I do cry every day,  I feel down and sad and sometimes I can barely get out of bed but then I take a deep breathe and jump into my mat.  When I meet my friends,  when I hold the people then I forget everything about my own personal story and become someone who is untainted by the weight of heavy human suffering.

Guruji used to say:  "practice,  teach and then all is coming.."  

Yes,  there is a magic that happens when we take our practice into the world and share it with others.  There will be many obstacles to do so,  especially in our own minds.  Many will give up before getting even started...yet, some of us simply don't.  

Some of us believe love is the only real meaning of life and worth all the effort in the world.   Some of us believe compromising our truth in front of injustice simply can't be done without damaging our souls.  

So yes,  I have not complied to the expectations of those who took my children away from me.  They thought I would simply accept the spoiled ruling and become their puppet.  

My children will know their mother was not a puppet,  nor a victim.    

She was a crucible and crucibles burn for themselves and for others. She decided to leave the plate when basic respect was no longer served and the price was infinite pain into her life,  yet not as bad as embracing the insult as if it existed.  

I still have self respect and I can live with myself everyday. Accepting injustice would have been the ultimate betrayal to my soul and spiritual integrity.  I'm paying the high price of being true to myself.  I'm praying each day to be able to endure the absence of my children who I dearly love.   Yet,  I know they will grow and then the full truth will come out...

and the truth will set us all free.


Crucible: a situation of severe trial,  or in which different elements interact,  leading to the creation of something new.